Christmas Heat
by KeepItM
Summary: A Serperior in heat always gets what she wants. Especially in the season of "gifting". No "lemons", in this story. Go to some other author if you're looking for that.


**Merry Christmas to those who read this, I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season and perhaps embrace the wonders of next year.**

 **For those of you who clicked on this story in hopes of finding "lemons", I'm sorry but you're in the wrong place. No "lemons" here. Instead, this short story my best attempt at writing a comedy; by filling it in with as much adult/naughty jokes as possible. I hope you enjoy, cheers.**

* * *

"Hey Matt!" I would call, every night when he walks through the red wooden gate. Yet every night, he never replies to my greetings. All he does is drags his leafy tail and solid frown around the courtyard before fading into one of the rooms. Matt doesn't speak much, which is normal for a Servine like him. Yet, as a Serperior myself, it's obvious that something is wrong.

We live together in a Siheyuan in Beijing. To be honest, I think we're the only organisms that still call the countries by their "outdated" terms. The three of us live together; my lover whom is a Samurott named Michael, Matt and I. I don't like living in "human environments" and I'd prefer to sleep on a patch of grass any day of the week, yet we still choose to stay with him. Matt says that Michael and I remind him of his parents, he sometimes go as far as calling us mum and dad.

"Everything alright?" I would often ask.

"Never been better." He would reply; yet we all know that's a lie.

Despite his negative attitude towards everything, around Christmas season, his personality does a complete 180 turn.

"Hey Matt!" I called.

"Hey Angelica!" He waved back. Shortly after, the courtyard would be filled with our chatter.

He acts like a happy child during Christmas, for once he'll actually have a proper conversation with us. Maybe because he's happy that everyone is on holidays, for once he's able to spend some time with us. However, I'm still doubting the reason why he loves Christmas season. It isn't because of the gifts and festivity; after all Matt isn't a child, he's older than me. Too be honest, the true reason why he loves Christmas is because during that season he likes to mess around with Michael and I.

During December or sometime around "the end of the year", every healthy snake or whatever creature would go through a process called heat. In other terms, pollinating each others flower(s). For some reason, Matt isn't effected...which is good because the last thing I want is 2 guys digging around inside me. However, the one thing he loves doing during this season is making Michael and I "uncomfortable" as possible. In modern human terms, "cock blocking".

After all, I came to know Matt as the ignorant jerk. It wouldn't be normal if he doesn't at least pisses me off once a week...

"I swear to Arceus if I find a single speck of fluid in this room." Matt yelled as he dragged my lover, Michael, and I into our bedroom. After being forcefully shoved into the room, Matt retracted his vine whips before digging around. Our room wasn't big, the only interesting feature about it was the neatly made bed. Considering that I'm a Serperior and that neither my lover nor I had hands; I'd say we did a decent job at cleaning our room. Yet, despite our self pride, we found ourselves anxious, because our room inspector never misses a single spot.

"Let's not be too surprised shall we." Matt smiled; he's cocky grin could be seen from a mile away. It surprises me that, that Servine could find joy in inspecting rooms. Then again, he finds joy in the most bizarre circumstances. He reached his little green arms into his black trench coat before pulling out a black light torch. That's when my heart skipped a beat, almost like a heart attack. I'm pretty sure Michael had the same reaction because his eyes shot up to the ceiling while his sweat rolled down his long whiskers. When Matt turned on the flashlight, he too had a heart attack.

"Fucking Arceus!" He gasped as he moved the torch throughout the room. Questionable splatters of "glowing fluid" waved back at our eyes. The "invisible puddles" were mostly on the bed, yet many traces could be seen on the walls, floor, furniture...you get the idea.

"How did it get onto the ceiling!" Matt gagged, as he waved the torch at the above our heads. The "spray" patterns were like the stars at night, hanging "beautifully" above us. If the fluids could be described as stars, than Michael and I, our faces could be described as the sun. A glorious shade of red painted across our cheeks.

"It's like a bomb went off in here!" He added.

"Give us a break." Michael jumped in, avoiding eye contact. "We need to...you know."

"Know what?"

"Relieve each other." Michael added.

Matt paused for a few moments, then began to giggle. He turned off the torch before pointing it at us.

"I want both of you to answer honestly." He said, giving us a questionable stare. "How many times have you guys had intercourse in the past 2 weeks?"

Michael and I glimpsed at each other for a few seconds. The expression on his face could only be described as "unease". I was hoping for a "discussion" from him, but honestly, by now we've both lost count.

"Twice." I muttered out; while Michael remained silent.

"Bullshit." Matt interrupted; with no hesitation. "I can smell your aroma in this room. It smells like a fresh virgin field of flowers, enough to trigger someone's asthma attack or hay fever."

"Look." I began, grinding my teeth a little. "Unlike you, I have certain needs to fulfil."

"I don't care about your desires. All I care about is hygiene." He added. "Which means, I want this room clean. Properly."

"Now if you'll excuse me. I got other things to waste my time on."

With that said, he swished he flexible body out the door and into the courtyard.

"You should consider buying condoms for Michael, helps with the spillage." Matt laughed, his voice echoing throughout the courtyard. "Fucking millennials."

Yet when his voice faded away with time, my face is frozen in time; frozen like I just had one of those Jaboca berries. One word describes its all; bitter.

* * *

"Is this what you want for Christmas?" I hissed seductively before waving my tail at Michael. My slender smooth body can "convince" anyone while my ribbon like bondage adds the finishing touches to my beautiful body.

"You're a every naughty snake." Michael grinned, before weaving himself into our bed and into my coil. "Looks like we'll be on Santa's naughty list—"

"We're living in China, yet you guys are celebrating Christmas!" A voice yelled from outside. "Also, Santa and Arceus aren't real, they're myths!"

All it took to kill the romantic mood was Matt's voice. In the end, I found myself marching out the room.

"Well, it looks like the left over ribbons came into use." He commented, sitting on a table in the middle of the courtyard. With one vine he sipped water from a glass, with the other vine; he held a small orange plastic container.

"Okay, what is your problem!" I yelled, pressing my nose against his. "What do you want! Can't you at least spare me a day where I don't have to yell at you!" I pressed so hard that our noses crested upwards. Despite my best efforts to burn his mind with my stare, Matt remained undisturbed.

"Calm down." Matt replied, pushing my face away. "You look like a sex hungry monster. You know, like the ones you read on fanfi—"

I felt my anger boil my heart away, however before it could erupt, Matt passed me a small orange container.

"Anyways." He coughed, handing me the little plastic container. "Merry Christmas."

At least he was kind enough to buy me something.

"What is this?" I asked, eyeing down the labels on the container. However, I can't read English...or was it Chinese.

"A modified version of anti-androgen." Matt replied. "I'll rephrase it so you'll understand; anti horny pills."

"So they..."

"They're the temporary solution to your vampiric sex drive." He added, retracting his vines.

"How long have you been taking these pills?"

"Since...a long time." He said. "Well, how'd you think I survive heat season every year? I don't think I can survive 2 months with a wildfire in my crouch by just masterbat—"

"—Yet you only decide to buy me these pills now." I added, my breathing soon turned into hissing.

"Well—" Matt hesitated, rolling his eyes. "I'd thought it'll be a clever gift."

"Give a man a Magikarp and you'll only feed him for a day, give a man a fishing rod and you'll feed him for his entire life." He added; a small cocky grin appeared on his face. "Give a Serperior her relief can only relieve her for a day, teach a Serperior to be smart and use modern day pharmaceuticals and she'll be relieved for the rest of her life."

That was enough to send my anger bursting out of my body. My tailed glowed bright green as I prepared to leaf blade Matt into pieces.

"Okay, okay!" Matt fretted, twitching in his seat; he knew he deserved this. "Can you at least say thank you or Merry Christmas before you hit me?"

"Not a chance."

"Is it too late now to say sorry?"

…

"It's just a prank bro."

...

"...please don't hit the face."

* * *

 **For those of you who didn't understand the "backlight" torch joke, let me explain. By utilising a blacklight torch, the user is able to see anything that reflects its light. Which means the user is able to use the torch to see bodily fluid stains, which is generally invisible under normal circumstances. As some of you may have figured, the bodily fluid that I'm referencing is seminal fluid.**

 **I also know that Christmas is on December the 25th, I'm just releasing this story early.**


End file.
